I miss you. So much. I miss how we were, what we had, what we did, everything. I just wish you could see that my worrying, my stubborness, all of that stuff, that was because I cared about you so much. I still do. I love you! There, I said it. I fucking love you, and I know you love me too. We belong together, and you know it. You ran, and you told me that you want to try it again. Well, where’s the effort? Where is that first text from you? Where are those late night phone calls? Where are those random messages? Where are those suprise visits or the want to even see or talk to me? You say that you want to get back together, why can’t you show me? I still want to give this a try. I felt such a strong connection with you. I can be stable for you, I can be there for you, I can be your everything if you let me. Please, just let me. I know we can make this work, and you know too. Lets just take it slow. You told me we could go far. You told me you could see yourself marrying me. You told me you could see us raising a family together. I can see it too. Please, don’t mess with my mind and my heart. Don’t say stuff spur of the moment. Tell me what you really feel. Please….

Up until about this point, when a guy fucked up I usually just brushed it off because I realized I never really had so strong of feelings for them that it would really break my heart. This is totally different. I’m gonna be changing the names, BTW…..

So Alfred, I never thought of myself as the type of girl he would even look at. We hated each other back in high school. Like, you have no idea. We literally plotted ways to kill each other.  Who would have predicted that three years later I would feel so safe and happy with him? Things were going so great. Yeah, he had his flaws. He smokes, he drinks a bit, and he can be a bit of a smartass, but his overall self, his heart, it’s what I love the most about him. Love. Yes, I love him. So much. We really connected on such a deep level, even when we got in our fights. Then, one day, he broke it off. I was so heartbroken. He didn’t even give a reason why. It was like he never cared at all…….it was then that I decided to forget him and move on. That’s when I met Juan….

Juan…..we were two peas in a freakin’ pod. We both are addicted to country music, we genuinely care about people and choose to be selfless, we both love to smile and we appreciate the odd and simple things in life. It was like God had meant for us to be together. Well, when Alfred broke it off, I chose to move on to Juan. He knew how to make me smile when Alfred couldn’t. Things were going so great! We were attached to the hip! On May 4th, Juan told me that he was tired of having flings with girls and wanted a real relationship, and that he knew that the girl he wanted a real relationship with was with me. I was so happy!!!! We were addicted to each other. That next night, we went out of a picnic dinner date, and just hung out outside for a majority of the night eating, listening to country music, cuddling, and other stuff…….. ;) Well, that next day, I was so excited to see him! The problem was he wasn’t himself, which got me really worried. So I asked his best friend Tyler to talk to him for me. What he found out was horrible………..May 4th, the night he told me he wanted a relationship, he went and got drunk and slept with another girl. How fucked up is that?! He wasn’t even gonna tell me if it hadn’t been for Tyler! I was so angry and hurt and confused that I just burst into tears and ran to Tyler and his brother Michael and just stood there with them, not knowing what to do. He hurt me so bad. And then I got that text…….

That text from Alfred. I even remember exactly what it said. “Breaking up with you was harder than I can put into words. Why did I do it? I’m weak. I’m not strong enough to handle you, work, my back, etc. I’m so ashamed. Your charisma, personality, life force, it’s what I need in my life and a spouce. I regret ever letting you go because I never let go of something that’s a challenge. I really do hope that you can forgive me, my love. I love you. I really hope that one day we can pick it up where we left off.” That made me sad, angry, and happy. Sad for the fact that he felt pain, angry that he let me go in the first place, and happy for the fact that he actually did care after all, and still does. And he said that he loves me! You have no idea how happy that made me. It made me forget everything that Juan did. It made me realize that maybe Alfred was the one who I was supposed to be paired with. My challenge. My one to forgive and to give a second chance. He apologized for everything (there was obviously more). When we talked on the phone, he was bawling like crazy. I have never seen him bawl like that before. It made me cry! I knew he was a man of his word and that he really did mean what he said. You have no idea how good that felt. We talked about everything. Like, literally everything with us. We connected so deep on an emotional level. I had never felt that close to him before. The feeling was so amazing…..

Lets say that Alfred asked me out on a date. Should I go to him again?